Things I Enjoy Saying

As I was walking back from work today I tried to think of a few quips I like to offer others. I do not have a particularly good reason for thinking about this particular topic. It does follow along the line of thought into which I fell summer 2003 when I was deployed with some of my Panton compadres to Singapore; and I thought out of sheer random curiosity to ask my friends to please “Tell me the first sentence of your favorite story.” That tale is covered elsewhere; perhaps someday I’ll republish it here. Without further ado, here are the couple phrases I like to turn:

I’m probably smarter than you. But I doubt it.
– Normally I rehearse in my mind saying this to folks I whom I believe are condescending. In such situations I sometimes feel like I need to push them back onto their heels a little bit with a blunt assertion of superiority. With the same breath I offer them a sort of a philosophical “Face-saver.” I’ve used this phrase a couple times, but only with people I’m certain will understand the entire phrase.

Me: “I have good news, and I have bad news. Which do you want me to explain first?
Nearly Everyone: “What’s the bad news?
Me: “The bad news is that I’m a pessimist, and I don’t have any bad news. The good news is. . . .
– This is often good for a laugh.

If I’m approaching the right person I’ve also had some success with the sister of the above phrase:

Me: “I have good news, and I have bad news. Which do you want me to explain first?
Occasional Good-Natured Person: “I’d like to hear the good news first!”
Me: “The good news is that I’m a pessimist, and all I have is bad news!
– This was met with a grinning groan, as best I remember

I hope you enjoy my sense of humor as much as I do! On the other hand, when an audience clearly does not enjoy my sense of humor as much as I do, I like to say “I’m sorry, I thought that was going to be funny.” I probably say that a bit too often. Once upon a time that phrase was good for a chuckle at minimum, but it’s clearly gotten old.

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